Daniel and the Magical La La Land
by AlinaintheSky
Summary: Daniel gets transported to the land of.......the TELETUBBIES! BEWARE INSANITY AND RANDOMNESS!
1. A Little Too Obsessed, Are We?

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate *tear*. I also don't own the Teletubbies. But who would want to anyway?  
  
Liss: Ok, this idea came to me...just now actually. *giggle* I was on this awesome site looking for a Stargate pic for my computer wallpaper. They are captions from random episodes and the people have added speech bubbles and such. It's really funny! And one of them was Daniel staring intently at something and Jack was standing behind him. Jack's speech bubble says, "Too much TV rots your brain, Daniel. Go outside and play." And Daniel's says, "Another hour, please Jack. The Teletubbies are next!" So that gave me an idea...  
  
Note: I do NOT watch the Teletubbies. I only saw TWO EPISODES at my cousin's house because she loves them. And I was forced to! She pulls hard...*cradles hair* So don't get any ideas!  
  
WARNING: BEWARE OF RANDOMNESS. You have been warned.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"I want a full mission report by 0600 hours. Dismissed," General Hammond said. SG-1 walked out of the debriefing room. Teal'c headed to his room for kelno'reem. Sam walked off to her lab with her head stuffed in some papers. General Hammond went into his office and picked up his red phone. Jack didn't waste any time. He went straight to the commissary for some pie and jello before having a go at his gameboy.  
  
Daniel poked his head out the doorframe and checked that no one was looking. He opened his book on ancient Sumerian cuneiforms to a random page and buried his head in it. He then walked as slow as he could to his office, trying to act as natural as he always was when he wasn't looking where he was going. He reached his office door and stepped inside, quickly closing the door behind him. He threw his book aside and grinned.  
  
"Aaah! Teletubbies!"  
  
He flopped down in front of his wide-screen TV (thanks to federal funding) and turned it on to channel 4. Sighing heavily but happily, he stared at the baby-faced sun as it rose over the perfect green field of flowers.  
  
Ten minutes later, when it had risen to its full height (two inches since its starting point), the picture moved to the fields, where the rabbits and flowers were just starting to wake. Daniel grinned as the red flower opened up to the sun. He loved that flower.  
  
Just then, the big dome-shaped thing in the middle of the field opened up and the four Teletubbies bounced out. First Po walked up to the screen, pushing a small cart-like thing. She waved to the camera. Daniel waved back, a giddy grin on his face. Po's name flashed across the screen in bright red. Next, Tinkey Winkey bounded up to the camera as his name flashed across the screen in purple. Daniel got up from his seat, opened his door, checked that no one was there, shut the door, and made his way over to a shelf of old artifacts. He rapped on the top of the shelf with his knuckles and the whole shelf flipped over, revealing a small door on the bottom of the shelf. Daniel opened the door and pulled out the contents with a big smile.  
  
He sank back into his chair with his life-size purple over-stuffed Tinkey Winkey plush doll and sighed happily as Tinkey Winkey waved. Next came the yellow Teletubbie. La La bounced up to the screen and giggled. She waved with both of her three-fingered hands. Daniel smiled. She was so happy. And yellow. Extremely yellow.  
  
The last Teletubbie to come was Dipsy. The acid green Teletubbie waved to the camera and hopped off to join his friends. Next the all waved. Daniel waved back. He was the happiest man alive.  
  
-5 hours later-  
  
"Hey Danny, just came to see if you needed help on your-" Jack stopped short in the doorway of Daniel's office. "-report... Wow Daniel, that's a nice look for you." He grinned. Daniel's face turned bright red as he snatched off the red-polka dotted bow on his head that Po was wearing on the screen and hid his Tinkey Winkey doll behind him.  
  
"Jack! Uh...ever heard of knocking?" Daniel said nervously. "Obviously you did. You must have knocked your head out." Jack grinned. "Damn. Where's a camera when you need it?"  
  
"What are you doing here, Jack?" Daniel asked, shifting over to his desk and stuffing the doll and bow underneath it. "Well, I just wanted to know if you needed help on your mission report. It was a long mission. A VERY long mission..." he trailed off, running his fingers through his hair.  
  
"You're asking ME if I need help from YOU?" Daniel repeated slowly, staring at Jack. There was a pause.  
  
"Ok, ok, I need you to let me see yours! I'll give it back, I promise! I can't write boring stuff like this! That's what you're good at!" he pleaded. Daniel stared at him. "PLEASE!" Jack asked getting down on his knees and clasping his hands in front of him.  
  
"Well, Jack, I would love to help you but..." He searched for an explanation other than the truth. Jack would never understand. Jack got up. "You haven't written it yet, have you?" Daniel guiltily shook his head. "What the hell have you been doing for the past 5 hours?" Jack's eyes shifted to the screen behind Daniel, where the Teletubbies were skipping across a field of flowers. A huge grin spread over his face. "Daniel...?" he said slowly. Daniel stared at the floor. "Have you been watching the Teletubbies for the past five hours?"  
  
"It's a marathon, Jack! All the good episodes from the first two seasons!" "Wow. I didn't even know they had at least ONE season. Didn't they get canceled like, in the first month?" Daniel glared at Jack. "Due to some unfit executives, the Teletubbies were rudely taken off the air. But since Barney was canceled this week they decided to show a marathon of the old days. Stupid purple dinosaur..." Daniel's eyes narrowed and his hands turned to fists.  
  
"Oooookkkk... Daniel, you need to get started on that. It's due tomorrow morning. And it wasn't the simplest mission." "But Jack, the Teletubbies are still on!" "No buts Daniel! That's an order." With that, Jack walked out of the office and headed for Sam. She'd have a nice report he could copy.  
  
Daniel plopped down on his chair and pouted. It wasn't fair! He never got to see the Teletubbies on TV. Sure, he had every single episode on DVD at home, but it wasn't the same. He sighed. At least Jack hadn't found his voodoo Barney doll. He had left the wrench in an unpleasant position. Thinking about, Daniel crossed his legs.  
  
He sighed again and picked up his pencil. He figured that he'd write it as quickly as possible and be able to watch the last few episodes. HE started to write.  
  
"The mission to P4X-3277 was very eventful."  
  
~~Daniel~~  
  
Daniel's head snapped up from his paper. Did he just hear his name? He listened again but nothing happened. So he turned back to his report.  
  
~~Daniel~~  
  
This time he new he heard it. Unless he was crazy. Or Urgo had decided to come back. In which case they could both watch Teletubbies! He smiled and looked at the TV. He felt a longing that only a man who longed for something could feel. He knew he was supposed to be working on the report, but he couldn't... He glanced at the door. Just one episode wouldn't hurt. Giggling like a schoolboy he grabbed the remote and turned on the TV.  
  
"Ooh! It's my favorite episode!" he giggled as Po pulled a light pink tutu up to her waist. He sighed. "Too bad I can't be part of their world..." He touched the screen longingly. Suddenly a bright green light washed over him.  
  
"Oh, and Daniel I-" Jack strode into Daniel's office and stopped short. He looked around. In a full circle. "Daniel?" He looked over and saw the TV on. Grinning, he turned it off. He stopped for a moment. A light bulb went off in his head and he grinned even wider. He quickly trotted out of the office.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Liss: Lol, ok, it's not that funny and random, but it's only the first chapter. It'll get better!  
  
What happened to Daniel?  
  
What's Jack's evil idea?  
  
Will Barney replace the Teletubbies's marathon?  
  
Tune in for the next chapter! 


	2. The Barney War

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate or the Teletubbies. DUR! Also, there is some reference to Galaxy Quest, which I don't own either. DUR!.........again.........shifty eyes  
  
Daniel rubbed his eyes and opened them, squinting against the bright sun. He looked around. He was in a huge green field. He stood up. Suddenly, he heard a slow, incredibly familiar music start to play. "No.........it can't be........." he said to himself. He looked at the ground and saw flowers rise ever so slowly and open. He watched rabbits and other little creatures start to frolic in the field. He looked up in the sky and gasped at the baby face. He dashed over to a nearby hill and nearly passed out.  
  
A huge dome was beginning to open up. Four bright colors bounded out of it. Daniel squealed. His eyes darted to his right. He squealed again and galloped over. He threw his arms around the huge red flower. He squeezed his eyes shut in pure happiness.  
  
Daniel felt some movement beneath his arms and suddenly, a muffled voice yelled, "Gerroff me!" He opened his eyes.  
  
"Who said that?"  
  
"Me!"  
  
"Me who?"  
  
"Me the flower!"  
  
"Oooh! I love knock-knock jokes! Ok, me the flower who?"  
  
"The big red flower underneath your arms, you buffoon!"  
  
Daniel frowned. "I don't get it. What's the joke?"  
  
"If you put your arms by your side, I'll tell you."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Let go! Losing.........Co-2.........can't.........breathe........."  
  
Daniel let go of the flower, still wondering who was talking. The flower took long, deep breaths, then waved and smiled. Daniel stared at it. "Wow! A talking flower!"  
  
"And here's the joke! Ready?" Daniel nodded eagerly. "Ok." The flower took a deep breath, then shouted,  
  
"HELP! SOMEONE'S TRYING TO MOLEST ME! HEEEELP!"  
  
The flower smiled at the horror-stricken Daniel. "Oh my god, that's horrible! Who?" The flower stared.  
  
Four bright colors zoomed into sight. They stopped right in front of Daniel.  
  
"Alright, where's the molester?" Dipsy asked.  
  
"Are you blind? Right in front of you!" the flower shouted.  
  
"Oh........."  
  
"Why are you molesting our flower?" Po asked innocently. Daniel didn't move. "Hey mister!" Po tugged on Daniel's sleeve. Nothing. "Hey!" She pulled harder. "YO DORK, WAKE UP!" But he still didn't move. His vision had been captured by something else. Something so beautiful and manly that Daniel was in shock.  
  
"Does this color make me look slutty?" Tinkey Winkey asked, applying a dark red to his lips. La La shook her head.  
  
"Omigod, omigod, omigod! It's really him!" Daniel said excitedly, hopping on his toes and squealing. "Huuuhh........." He swooned and fainted. The four creatures stared down at him.  
  
"What is it?" Dipsy asked.  
  
"How the hell should I know?" Po replied, kicking Daniel. "Is it dead?"  
  
"Well, whatever it is, it better get out of here soon. I don't want it on my land," La La said haughtily, flipping fake hair. Po and Dipsy rolled their eyes. Tinkey Winkey applied some more lipstick.  
  
Daniel sat up slowly, opened his eyes, and rubbed them. "I must be dreaming!" He smiled at everything.  
  
"Alright buddy, who the hell are you?" Po asked, jabbing a finger in Daniel's chest.  
  
"I'm Daniel!" he replied. He didn't say his last name for a reason; Teal'c was really starting to annoy him with his "Danieljackson".  
  
"Why are you here?"  
  
"I don't know," Daniel said thoughtfully. I was in my room watching your show—"  
  
"You watch the show?" La La asked excitedly.  
  
"Oh yeah! It's the best!" La La blushed.  
  
"Well, you know........." she said, brushing the ground with her foot.  
  
"And all of a sudden this green light surrounded me and I woke up here."  
  
"And that's it?" Po asked, eyeing him suspiciously.  
  
"Yep," Daniel nodded. Po still eyed him.  
  
"Well it doesn't matter, because you can't stay here," La La said, crossing her arms.  
  
"What? Why not?"  
  
"Because we can't have a strange creature running around!" La La said defensively.  
  
"But I have no where else to go!"  
  
"It doesn't matter! This is my land, and whatever I say goes!" she said, stomping her foot.  
  
"Wait, this is your land?" Daniel asked, rubbing his head.  
  
"Yes. It is called La La Land!" She pretended to dust of her sleeves. "On the show, it may LOOK like Tinkey Winkey is in charge, but here, I am!" Daniel looked confused.  
  
"Alright, come on, Dorkwad, we'll explain it over a cup of Love," Po said flatly, taking hold of Daniel's arm and dragging him towards the dome. Daniel's mind was buzzing. 'They know Ghandi?'  
  
They arrived at the dome and entered, sitting down at a table. "Slaves, bring me five Loves," La La ordered, clapping her hands. Two vacuum-like things entered with five mugs of Love and served them, bowing as they left.  
  
"Oh, Love! You guys drink this on the show! I've always wanted to try it! It must taste like love!" Daniel sighed, taking a drink. He paused for a moment and then spit it out, wiping his tongue on his sleeve. "Ew! What is this?!"  
  
"Love. Aka Vodka with some Scotch and extra dry gin," Po said, taking a deep gulp. "People watching the show have no idea."  
  
"I'm confused........." Daniel said.  
  
"Gee, it doesn't look new to you," Po said casually.  
  
"Oh it isn't," Daniel said, smiling. Po stared.  
  
"See, La La Land is where we live. But the show is filmed here. On the show, we're all different, as you can tell," Dipsy explained.  
  
"On TV I'm a cute, fun-loving angel. But in real life, I'm a punk-ass bitch," Po said, grinning.  
  
"In real life I'm a nice guy, but on TV I'm the asshole-loser," Dipsy said, taking a sip of his Love.  
  
"In real life, I'm the beautiful, smart, wonderful queen of this domain. But on the show I'm a petty commoner," La La said, drinking from her mug.  
  
"On the show I'm a girlie-man who's gay beyond comprehension! But that's all different in real life," Tinkey Winkey said, sipping from his mug with a lifted pinkie. Everyone rolled their eyes, except Daniel, whose eyes were staring at him with admiration.  
  
"So.........what now?" Dipsy asked. They looked at Daniel. He was still staring at Tinkey Winkey. All of a sudden, the ground shook and everyone was thrown around.  
  
"What's going on?!" Daniel cried.  
  
"Shit. They're back," Po said through gritted teeth. She pulled herself off the still quivering floor and ran through another door. Dipsy and La La followed. Daniel was left gazing at Tinkey Winkey, who was applying some more lipstick, though he had a difficult time with the dome shaking.  
  
"Aw, poo!" he said after a few minutes. He turned around. Lipstick was all over his face. "Stupid shaking dome!" He stalked off through the door in a hurry. Daniel quickly followed.  
  
"Wow......... I've never seen this room before!" Daniel said in awe. He had walked into a master control room. The four –tubbies were seated in various spots, all pressing buttons and turning knobs; except Tinkey Winkey, who, like any girl, had mastered the art of multi-tasking; he had one hand on the controls and another on the lipstick.  
  
"Fire one!" La La yelled. "Firing one!" Po replied, hitting a few buttons. Daniel heard a missile launch and the crash of it on the target.  
  
"Target hit," Po said. "Fire two," La La commanded. "Firing two." Once again the target was destroyed. "How are the shields holding?" "Shields at 67%," Dipsy said, turning a few knobs.  
  
"What's going on?" Daniel asked. "Who are you firing at?" Daniel was horrified. The Teletubbies were a land of peace and happiness. What could be hurting them?  
  
He caught sight of a small window to the left of Dipsy. He trotted over and peered outside. He scanned the field and gasped.  
  
Small purple dinosaurs and many young children were rushing across the field straight at the dome, which was surrounded by a light green energy shield. The dinosaurs were throwing what looked like toys at the dome, and those who didn't have any just rammed the dome themselves. The small children were also throwing toys, though by the looks of it, also handfuls of fire.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" Daniel cried, mortified at the whole experience. "THOSE ARE SMALL CHILDREN!"  
  
"No they're not," Po said, annoyed that she was distracted from her favorite pastime -- firing at enemies.  
  
"Look," Dipsy said as he pulled up an image on a small screen to his left. It was a close-up of one of the children. While it looked sweet and innocent from far away, Daniel could see why the tubbies were firing at it. It had red eyes and small horns sticking out from its hair. The skin was slightly purplish, and it had a sick grin on its face as it launched another handful of fire at the dome. "Ew........." Daniel said as he shrunk back.  
  
"Yeah," La La said. "Fire three." "Firing three."  
  
Daniel leaned closer to Dipsy, who seemed to be the brainiac-like part of the operation. "What's going on? Who are they?"  
  
"Barney's minions," he said, pressing a few buttons. "We're waging a constant war against each other. He's evil, sadistic, brutal, and just plain corny. Shields down to 38%."  
  
"We can't hold them much longer!" Po said.  
  
"Dammit!" La La said, looking at the floor. Her eyes were twitching and her mouth seemed to move without sound. She looked just like a captain from a Star trek series at their moment of truth: what to do? Daniel was freaked out. It was a tubbie, for cryin' out loud!  
  
'Whoa.........' Daniel stepped back, shocked. 'Did I just think "for cryin' out loud"?' He shook his head roughly, trying to wake himself up. 'No.........its not possible Jack could rub off on me.........' His mind flashed to the time when the Russian Stargate was open and they needed their help.  
  
"What is it?" Sam asked.  
  
"The sub seems to be malfunctioning," Dr. Markov said, in a thick Russian accent.  
  
"But it's Swiss," Daniel said in fake innocence. Sam and Dr. Markov stared.  
  
'Naaah.........' Daniel thought. 'Jack has definitely not rubbed off on me.' He smiled. 'I wonder what he's up to now.........'  
  
"GOD DAMMIT, LA LA, YOU'RE NOT THE CAPTAIN OF THE ENTERPRISE! DO SOMETHING!"  
  
Jack bustled up the hallway and into his office. Was it real? Was it true? Was Daniel ACTUALLY watching the Teletubbies? He tried to stifle a laugh but failed miserably. He cracked up and laughed extremely loudly, whooping at various points. Several personnel walking past quickened their pace.  
  
He collapsed in his chair. What could he do with this newfound information? Something good.........he couldn't waste it like that picture from the holiday party last year.........  
  
He propped his feet on his desk, leaning back in thought. 'So Daniel likes the teletubbies.........' He grinned. 'Oh jeez.........what would someone say if they found out?'  
  
That's just it! He sat up, grinning wider than ever. 'If everyone found out.........the effect would be greater than the holiday party incident!' He leaned back again. But how? How could he show the whole base that Daniel loved a kids' tv show?  
  
He sat up again, smiled, and quickly strode out of his office, his mouth forming the words "twine, rope, velvet, twine, rope, velvet, twine........."  
  
It was fifteen minutes later, and La La was still deciding what to do. Po was rolling her eyes and every so often she'd boredly push a button and fire at the minions. Not that it did any good.  
  
"Shields down to 3.4%," Dipsy said, tossing a ball in the air. Tinkey Winkey was buffing his non-existent nails.  
  
"Activate.........the Omega 14," La La said dramatically. Daniel stared. La La looked at him.  
  
"What? They ripped US off!" she said defensively. Daniel shook his head. Dipsy pressed a few more buttons and a huge BOOM! shook the dome once more. Daniel quickly moved to the window.  
  
The children had started to retreat along with the purple dinosaurs. They ran in sheer terror, though one dinosaur stayed long enough to flip them off before he scurried after his friends. Daniel turned from the window, still amazed at the whole ordeal.  
  
"Wow........."  
  
"We need more fuel for the weapons and more energy for the shields, La La," Dipsy said, checking the power.  
  
"All right. We'll head over tomorrow," La La said, stepping down from her official-looking chair. "Let's hit the hay." They started to file out the door. Daniel followed.  
  
"Uh, where should I sleep, guys?" he asked, smiling at them, hoping to guilt one of them to let his room with them.  
  
"You can sleep down under," La La said. Daniel, once again, looked confused. La La rolled her eyes, then opened a door, motioning for Daniel to follow. They descended a dirty old staircase, then opened another door. Daniel peered inside.  
  
The room matched the door and staircase; soot covered all of the walls and much of the floor. Some straw was thrown around and off to the right wall was a gigantic fireplace.  
  
"You can sleep down here," La La said, smiling at him like it was the presidential suite. Daniel stared at her. "And don't worry about the cold. The other slaves will keep you warm." With that said, she closed the door behind him and left.  
  
Daniel looked around the room uncomfortably. Picking what looked to be the softest spot, he laid down and closed his eyes. His last image before a deep slumber was Barney on fire.  
  
Liss: Hi! Sorry, its 12 in the morning and I'm too lazy to read over this whole thing, so ignore the mistakes, please! Hope this long waited chapter is liked! And sorry, I thought I had already finished it! Please review 


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